006: Fervor Friday With Sex And BDSM Educator Cory B
I am proud to be a woman whose sexuality is overt, liberated and full of expression. I am also blessed to find many goddesses that are in the forefront leading the head way for other woman to pour out of them the once forbidden, obscured shadows of their own sexuality.
For many women this means learning about self-love, positive body image, sensuous touch, sacred sexuality, neo-Tantra, goddess worship, sex toys, g-spots and other meaningful intimate excursions into their personal sexuality.
For other women, their sexual awakening has a kinkier, edgier expression.
This growing interest in Kink, Dominance and submission and BDSM by millions of women worldwide has been highlighted by dreaded book the 50 Shades (which may I remind you is not true to lifestyle kink). Although the book Fifty Shades did illuminate power-exchange driven by Kink as a sexual undercurrent that has been rising into mainstream culture and women’s sexuality since the 1970’s.
As women’s sexuality flows into the culture in torrents, many women are starting to lead the way in opening up that conversation, Thanks to social media I have connected with yet another powerful woman whom is making strives in brining much needed sex/kink education to NYC, Meet the Goddess Cory B.
Bio:
Cory B (she/her or they/them) is a sex and BDSM educator, influencer, and artist based in New York City. She earned her degree studying Media & Technology, Gender & Sexuality, and Popular Culture from New York University’s Gallatin School of Individualized Study. Cory teaches workshops on BDSM around New York City and is an active member of the kink, polyamorous, and sex positive communities in the area.
● Who is Cory B?
I am a an educator, an artist, an influencer, an activist, an intersectional feminist, a queer woman, a submissive, a dog mom, and a bad motherfucker, according to my Siri.
•Moreover, at this moment, how do you spend your days?
I try to live a pretty balanced life. A typical day consists of work (editing my website, talking with clients, networking online, and working on some secret projects coming up!), spending time with my partner and our dog, hanging out with friends and loved ones, taking a pole class, or just relaxing and watching some Netflix or Game of Thrones.
● Can you tell us about your up brining’s?
I’m from Atlanta, Georgia and lived there up until I was 18. I grew up doing musical theatre and for a really long time I thought that I would be making that my career. I was actively a part of a children’s theatre until I got to high school then I was doing 2-3 full scale productions year round until I graduated. I was a very busy kid and didn’t think much of my life until my dad had a Traumatic Brain Injury when I was 14. That was the moment when I really had to grow up quickly. I immediately became a caretaker and had a lot of responsibility thrown at me at a very young age so a lot of my teenage years were a blur. Moving up to New York really saved me.
● I see that you are actively teaching Kink and BDSM workshops in NYC can you tell us how you became involved in the BDSM community?
I started exploring BDSM with a former partner back when I was in college, around 18/19. We bought some toys from a sex shop and started to just fumble around and figure out what we were into. We broke up after a year of dating and then I didn’t really touch kink again until I lived in London for 6 months. I recreated my FetLife account and started communicating with people who I thought I might want to play with. At the time, kink was still very connected to sex for me so that’s what I thought I was getting into when I was talking to these potential partners. It wasn’t until I started actually playing that I realized I could have even more extraordinary experiences than I was having with just vanilla casual sex. I got back to New York and I dove head first into the scene when I met my current partner. That’s when I started attending events and workshops and eventually started working in the field.
• What does sexual empowerment mean to you? Moreover, how do you believe sex educators can empower others to find their sexual authenticity?
To me sexual empowerment is all about choice and even more so, informed and educated choices. Different things empower different people and not all sex acts or types of sex are going to empower everybody. I think some people get the wrong idea of what I try to promote with my work in that I am certainly not encouraging everyone to engage in BDSM or become polyamorous. What I hope to achieve with my work is giving those who already have an interest or even mild curiosity a safe outlet to learn about and explore these things that are often frowned upon in mainstream society. From there, they can then decide if it is right for them and they can be directed towards resources and communities that will help in their journey. I always say that the one thing that can never be taken from you is knowledge and I believe that I have a duty as a sex educator to provide my clients and followers with not only the best resources to explore their unique sexual identities but also a guide on how to navigate those resources.
● Does BDSM translate into your relationships outside the bedroom, as well? If so, how do you draw the line?
It does! My primary partner and I engage in a D/s relationship. Our style of D/s incorporates a bit of DDlg (Daddy Dom / little girl) play as well some M/s (Master/slave) play. We don’t consider it to be a 24/7 TPE (Tower Power Exchange) however it does live beyond our sex life. We have had many, many, many conversations regarding our desires and boundaries, and we continue to have those conversations all the time. Boundaries are always shifting due to various circumstances so it’s important that we communicate to each other what we need. Sometimes I’ll have a really long and exhausting day and I will say, “Daddy, I would love it if we could be in high protocol when I get home.” When we are around our biological families though we have to tone things down and be sure to modify our behavior based on the environment. It comes down to consistent communication and knowing that if something isn’t working then we’re going to address it. Lee Harrington said it best, “The protocol should always serve you, not the other way around.”
● What is one thing you would teach another woman who wanted to get into the kink scene?
For submissive or switches, be weary of fake doms and tops! They are EVERYWHERE. There are many men who float into the BDSM scene with the assumption that kinky women are sluttier and less picky about their partners. They think that BDSM equates to rough sex. Ask for references of previous play partners, and if they are not willing to give them then it’s a red flag. Never forget that power exchange only begins when all parties agree that it begins. It does not start at the first DM or handshake.
For dommes, remember that the entire world is not your submissive. There is a difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness. Dominance does not mean that you should act like a man. Dominance is about confidence and control, not only over your submissive but also yourself. This community can definitely favor female dommes so make sure that you don’t let the power get to your head. Kindness still goes a long, long way and it certainly does not diminish your dominance.
• How do you determine your limits? Do they change?
My limits change all the time. They change based on the person or people I’m playing with, the environment I’m in, the type of day I’ve had, the mood I’m in—it can be anything. There are some hard limits that I had two years ago that I now play with regularly. Talking about limits is great because you actually don’t have to have a definitive decision on every single little thing. You can absolutely say, “I’m curious about knife play but I’m honestly not sure if I’m going to want to do that or not. Can you ask me during the scene before you do it if I’m comfortable with that?” Limits also go beyond physical acts and can be verbal, psychological, and emotional. There are certain words that I do not like being called during play but others I’m totally down for. My primary partner and I have ongoing consent but we still talk about what we want before a scene. With other partners or new partners, we still talk before the scene it just might be more specific.
● Can you share with us, what is the kinkiest thing you have ever experienced?
Oof that’s a tough one. I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t really rate something as more or less kinky so I’ll talk about the most recent “super kinky” scene I did. My Daddy and I had just had friends over for dinner and while they were over we were all talking about the crazy freaky stuff we had all done which got me excited. When they left, we went straight into our bedroom and just started doing everything—spanking, paddling, scratching, caning, single tail whip, PVC pipe—you name it. I was able to fall into such a special state of masochistic subspace that I just wasn’t a human anymore. I was this being that lived solely for the purpose of experiencing sensations and I literally didn’t care what my Daddy did to me. I trusted him fully. We played around with some really, really heavy degradation and I actually did something that had been a hard limit for me previously.
• What led you to embrace your sensuality and why is doing so important?
Sensuality is something that I am still learning to embrace and it is something that I am setting an intention to focus on this year. I have never been one to be sensitive to things—physically or emotionally. Past traumas have resulted in me having to become quite hardened in order to survive and its partially a reason that I am a heavy masochist. What has led me on this exploration of sensuality are really my partners who have expressed a desire to help me explore sensuality as well as my own desire to unlock a new level of my exploration as a sexual being. I think sensuality can be so important because it can be a great way to connect your own mind and body. Exploring sensuality through kink was important to me to help me understand that kink can be equally intimate and connective as sex and now I’m learning how sensuality can be incorporated into things beyond just sex. It’s helping me communicate better and empathize with others on a deeper level.
● Sex, self-pleasure, deep intimacy… are topics that don’t seem to be as readily or openly accepted by society yet. Why is this?
Well the obvious answer is our strict Puritan background as a colonized society, but going further than that I think there are a multitude of reasons. I think we are afraid to educate people on these topics because we are afraid of what might happen if people start straying from the norm. We are scared that if we start talking about pleasure for the sake of pleasure then ultimate chaos will erupt. People will start fucking each other round the clock, but we know that this is not the case when people are properly educated. Beyond that, talking about sex, self-pleasure, and intimacy has the potential to challenge century-long power structures that have kept the heterosexual, cisgender, white male in a place of wealth, privilege, and power. The truth is that sex, self-pleasure, and deep intimacy are all things that have the capability of empowering those who have been shoved to the bottom of these power structures. Talking about these things gives people the opportunity to question where they stand in our world and those who are at the top of the totem pole are terrified of that. It’s why our sex education in schools is abysmal. It’s why SESTA/FOSTA got passed. These are desperate efforts to keep marginalized bodies uneducated and away from the conversation, but I do have hope that with the use of technology and social media we can still fight to educate and express ourselves.
● What does sexual healing mean to you?
To me, sexual healing means so many things. For me, it has meant using sex and BDSM to reclaim past traumas. It has meant consciously using sex to help resolve arguments (in addition to lots of communication!). It has meant connecting with my body in new ways. I think sex can be something that is so incredibly healing for the body and mind, and it has become a form of self care that is absolutely necessary.
• Do you have any advice for females on how to utilize their sexual energy?
Learn how to communicate your desires in plain language. Yes, there is a lot of use for flirting and innuendo but as long as you keep relying on others to determine what you want, you will be complaining about fuck boys for the rest of your life. Don’t wait for somebody to ask you what you’re into and if someone does ask you then fucking tell them! I have so many women who come to me asking me why they are always ending up with shitty people, and then I ask them if they communicated their own desires from the get go. The answer is often “no” or “I’m not really sure what I want.” I have always lived by a saying that goes, “it’s only awkward if you make it awkward” and if you are able to set a precedent from date #1 that you are comfortable communicating openly and honestly about everything then you really can’t go wrong. If they can’t match your attitude then it’s time to move on.
● When you are caught up in your head or just really busy/distracted in life, how do you get back to earth (and into your body)?
Two things: rolling joints and journaling. Sitting down to roll a joint is something that allows me to immediately just focus on one thing. I’m able to tune out the whole world and just focus on my fingers. Journaling has also become something that I love because I’m actually able to tune everything out while analyzing exactly what’s going on. It’s a way for me to allow my fears and anxieties to exist without projecting those feelings onto others. I can say whatever I want in my journal entries and I don’t have to show it to anybody. When you think about it, it’s really the fucking coolest thing ever.
• Do you have a favorite ritual?
Cleaning my apartment has become an important ritual in my self-care routine. It helps me relieve anxiety and it’s a way for me to remind myself that I deserve to live in a well kept space. It reminds me that I am powerful and I get to choose my environment. I don’t have to live in a pig sty if I don’t choose to. I usually will wake up every morning on the early side and tidy up around the living room and do the dishes, all before anybody else wakes up. Once that is done, I’m able to start my day without worrying that I’m going to come home to a mess.
● Can you share some tips for embracing sensuality and being sexually empowered?
It’s really hard to do, but you have to stop worrying about what other people are going to think of you and trust that there are enough people out there that will see you and your choices and still love you. Practicing open, honest, and ongoing communication is the easiest way to be a sexually empowered individual. Experiment with different forms of self care. Self care looks completely different to each person and it can range anywhere from taking a bath to doing a super emotionally intense, masochistic scene. I also recommend including some form of sexual self-pleasure into that self-care routine, and that doesn’t have to mean masturbation! And lastly, SHOUT your pleasure! The one thing we can do to help further our society along is by removing the stigma from sexuality and sexual pleasure. Talk about masturbation with your friends, go sex toy shopping together, talk about the types of porn that you like to watch. You have this incredible opportunity to literally change the world and empower both yourself and others around you!
● Cory, Thank you for sharing your time and energy with us where can the Kinktra lovers find you?
This was so much fun and it totally fed my Leo ego so thanks for all the questions!
You can find me on
Instagram @coryboffiicial and
Twitter @miss_coryb.
I have a lot of stuff that’s on the verge of release so follow me there for the most timely updates!
